Redemption

Redemption lives in simple conversation, in time
The kind that makes you think,
When you learn something new,
When you see something you didn't before.

That conversation enlightens,
Smells like the pine trees up north
Or the lilacs in grandma's garden.

It awakens hope,
Like a sunrise cresting
Or a baby slowly opening her eyes for the first time,
Squeal of joy coming from mother, father, and baby all in unison.

God can redeem anything and does every day,
He redeems those lost in sin, broken from relationship hurt, and hopeless from worldly woes.
He is restoration.
He restores everything.
He restores my soul.

Innocence, lost

She twirls careless and beautiful. Butterfly dress sweeps her knees, her thighs. Whimsical and free. "I'm a fairy," she thinks, smiling, face tilted toward the warmth above her. She twirls.

She can't see it coming towards her. The darkness floods in, shadowing her butterflies one by one until it reaches her flushed face. Shocked out of her blissful daze, she screams and falls, ripping open her perfect knee. Blood flows. She touches it, never seeing so much red wetness.
The darkness is gone now. But it's taken something with it, a piece of her. The fairy is gone. In her place is a scared girl, doubt and nervousness creasing her brow. Only later do these take root and transform into anxiety.
Before that day of loss, of the realization of pain and fear, she had a brilliant imagination. She lived in fairy tale castles, fought fiery dragons, swam with mermaids, but most of all she flew. She flew past her kindergarten classmates, her pesky brother, her villain father. She could fly anywhere.

The day of realization came and she would never be the same. She tried to find her wings after, to fly again but never could. They had been ripped off her. With her imagination gone, reality set in quickly. At first she was confused, as if being birthed again, awakening in a new, unknown world. She began to see things she didn't before. Like the Fall, her eyes had been opened to good and evil. Unlike Adam and Eve though, she didn't have a choice. Evil took root in her that day and nothing could have prevented it. Nothing can ever really prevent loss of innocence. It happens one way or another, at one time or another. The difference in whether or not the transition scars a child is how the loss happens.
Doubt and fear replaced her creativity and imagination. Fear of men, fear of failure, fear of disappointing her parents. Fear later turning to anxiety then depression. Twenty years later, she's finally reversing what the loss took from her, what the darkness did to her. She sees herself again, as that twirling fairy girl, wild and free. She sees her spin and begs her not to stop.

Wings

She stands there looking down
Eyes popping at the long, long
Long drop down to the rocky bottom
She looks over her shoulder
Sees the home,
Steps back, almost changing her mind,
Almost.

Jumping or letting herself fall
Could be the end again
Could be the breaking
Of everything she is, at the bottom
Of that rough crag
Every piece of her ripped apart
Bloodied at the bottom.

But jumping could be miraculous
Jumping could mean she flys
He would need to create her wings though
Beautiful wings of freedom
Wings that prevent her falling
Wings that give her an experience
She's never had,
A miracle,
Her very own miracle.
A miracle of flight,
Of hope.
Because these wings could
Give her something she can't see
They don't exist yet
They live in her mind as one possibility.
If she doesn't jump, she'll never know.
Jumping is trusting in the impossible
Which only He can make reality.
Oh those wings her could stitch onto her shaking back...
Does she believe?
Can she see them, feel them there?
If they don't appear,
Well, she'll know only for a few seconds
Until she smacks the bottom
And so she turns back once more,
Sees the yellowed house, hears their screams,
They're crying out for peace, their own wings.
She turns back, raises her head, closes her eyes,
And breathes.

Festival (waiting in the registration line...)

Being back at Calvin College, so many feelings rush back. Excitement and anxiety being the predominant two. I am here to learn and that is thrilling. The anxiety comes from the memories, the pressure of exams, finding my identity, deciding who I want to be and where I want to go. It's all back. Those feelings. I could cry I'm so excited though. I get my name tag and program and a rush of energy and emotion fills me. I am here again. To learn again.

The music that moves you

The kind that you feel
Deep in your soul
The kind that reaches deeper
Than most conversations
That music
It's a sound
Emotion
Creativity

It's a relationship
The one that moves you
To creativity
To trying
To breaking and creating
To learning and screaming
Hoping and believing
Seeing things you never thought you would
That relationship, that music
The one that touches your soul.
Soul
Mate.

Conclusions

Love in spite of fear.
Fight instead of flight.
Hope.

The day after

I traveled all day yesterday. Flew into Miami, had a layover, then Detroit. Silent tears slipped over my cheeks on the plane. Overwhelmed by emotions and questions, I prayed for a while, asking God for clarity in my friendships and in my job. Knowing so much had changed in me, I was having a hard time sorting things out so I suppose that's what I'm doing now, sorting, deciding what's important, where I'm going from here.

Being in a place like Haiti helped me see. And now I see everything in my life that's wrong. I see the superficial relationships and cringe. I see the superficial ways I pass time. I see all the wrong around me. I criticize. I don't want to be that person. I want to always see the glass half full, not half empty, but around me, right now, in the suburbs, I see weakness. In church, I see the Gospel being preached but not lived. I see preachers calling their congregation to accept Christ and share with their friends, but I don't see anything beyond that. I don't see the action. The easier thing would be to just focus on myself. Well, the only way I will be able to stay here is by the power and will of God.

Perhaps I've seen too much now. People go on missions trips and come back changed, affected. What from there though. What happens?  My options: live in a depressed, sober state, realizing the depravity that surrounds me but then gradually become blind again, or depend wholly on the God who showed me these things. The God who led me to Haiti. The one true God who is the only one that will keep me here. Otherwise, I leave and never come back. I'm detached from this place. I feel like an outsider looking in. I can't do the same things I did before. It all falls flat, empty really, compared to what I saw, experienced, lived for just a few short days. I need a goal. That's the point I think, of this trip. I need to fight what I see around me. I need to let the actions of my life speak for themselves. I am different now. I can't be the same. Not anymore. I can't enable those around me, those I love. I just can't. I've seen too much and know too much.

I feel myself reevaluating everything, whether I want to or not. Church this morning. My friendships. Those who are truly beneficial and those who are not. My time. My love...It's interesting because he understands better than anyone and I am so grateful, so blessed for his strength, understanding and love. He loves me. You could say our relationship is complicated but I'm happy. He's my best friend and I love him. He makes me want to be a better person. He's helped me see too, see the change I need to make and the change I can make happen. He's helped me study and understand the scriptures. He's been there when others couldn't. He's stretched my thinking. He helps me see my limitations, when I need to just let go and give God control. He doesn't condemn me, even when he does disagree. He doesn't judge me. He lets me be myself and loves me....He says I've taught him about love, how to love and be patient in loving.

So I will fight the urge to leave because I'm here for a reason. I don't know for how long. I'll pray and believe that when the time is right, I'll know and I'll leave with purpose and understanding. God does that. He wants me to look to Him for the answers, for direction, for hope. I really am in the perfect place now, whether I FEEL like it or not. I must depend on Him, talk to Him, look to Him for every step, because I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to be here and live like I always have but maybe that's the point. I won't live like I have. Maybe that's the beauty. Maybe that's the answer. My life IS different now. That's all I know. I need to wait, take it one day at a time. Talk to God and listen. Because God is all around, speaking, loving, showing. He understands and will help me fight. I can feel Him with me. I felt Him in Haiti and I can feel Him now. In Him I hope, in Him I love, and with Him I will fight the stereotypes of my culture, the stereotypes of America. I will be different and I will see change.

I give my life, my hope, my dreams, my love.

I give it all so You can take it. Use me for Your glory. Let my life be pleasing in your sight. Let the change in me remain. Use it for you. Direct me. Let me trust You every day.

You are good.