The day after

I traveled all day yesterday. Flew into Miami, had a layover, then Detroit. Silent tears slipped over my cheeks on the plane. Overwhelmed by emotions and questions, I prayed for a while, asking God for clarity in my friendships and in my job. Knowing so much had changed in me, I was having a hard time sorting things out so I suppose that's what I'm doing now, sorting, deciding what's important, where I'm going from here.

Being in a place like Haiti helped me see. And now I see everything in my life that's wrong. I see the superficial relationships and cringe. I see the superficial ways I pass time. I see all the wrong around me. I criticize. I don't want to be that person. I want to always see the glass half full, not half empty, but around me, right now, in the suburbs, I see weakness. In church, I see the Gospel being preached but not lived. I see preachers calling their congregation to accept Christ and share with their friends, but I don't see anything beyond that. I don't see the action. The easier thing would be to just focus on myself. Well, the only way I will be able to stay here is by the power and will of God.

Perhaps I've seen too much now. People go on missions trips and come back changed, affected. What from there though. What happens?  My options: live in a depressed, sober state, realizing the depravity that surrounds me but then gradually become blind again, or depend wholly on the God who showed me these things. The God who led me to Haiti. The one true God who is the only one that will keep me here. Otherwise, I leave and never come back. I'm detached from this place. I feel like an outsider looking in. I can't do the same things I did before. It all falls flat, empty really, compared to what I saw, experienced, lived for just a few short days. I need a goal. That's the point I think, of this trip. I need to fight what I see around me. I need to let the actions of my life speak for themselves. I am different now. I can't be the same. Not anymore. I can't enable those around me, those I love. I just can't. I've seen too much and know too much.

I feel myself reevaluating everything, whether I want to or not. Church this morning. My friendships. Those who are truly beneficial and those who are not. My time. My love...It's interesting because he understands better than anyone and I am so grateful, so blessed for his strength, understanding and love. He loves me. You could say our relationship is complicated but I'm happy. He's my best friend and I love him. He makes me want to be a better person. He's helped me see too, see the change I need to make and the change I can make happen. He's helped me study and understand the scriptures. He's been there when others couldn't. He's stretched my thinking. He helps me see my limitations, when I need to just let go and give God control. He doesn't condemn me, even when he does disagree. He doesn't judge me. He lets me be myself and loves me....He says I've taught him about love, how to love and be patient in loving.

So I will fight the urge to leave because I'm here for a reason. I don't know for how long. I'll pray and believe that when the time is right, I'll know and I'll leave with purpose and understanding. God does that. He wants me to look to Him for the answers, for direction, for hope. I really am in the perfect place now, whether I FEEL like it or not. I must depend on Him, talk to Him, look to Him for every step, because I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to be here and live like I always have but maybe that's the point. I won't live like I have. Maybe that's the beauty. Maybe that's the answer. My life IS different now. That's all I know. I need to wait, take it one day at a time. Talk to God and listen. Because God is all around, speaking, loving, showing. He understands and will help me fight. I can feel Him with me. I felt Him in Haiti and I can feel Him now. In Him I hope, in Him I love, and with Him I will fight the stereotypes of my culture, the stereotypes of America. I will be different and I will see change.

I give my life, my hope, my dreams, my love.

I give it all so You can take it. Use me for Your glory. Let my life be pleasing in your sight. Let the change in me remain. Use it for you. Direct me. Let me trust You every day.

You are good.