The problem with falling in love

Falling: 1) Move downward, typically rapidly and freely without control, from a higher to a lower level.
2) Become detached accidentally and drop to the ground: "my glasses fell off and broke."

I've only ever been in love once. And it was beautiful. Highly emotional, freeing, slightly psychotic but amazing. Everything in my life was about him, my love, the one I was planning my wedding with. Looking back at that time, those few brief months I understand now how blind love can be. I didn't see his faults. I just saw his beauty. I would have done anything for him. That's what love does. It changes everything...which is why when it ended, something in me died. First I went through denial, believing it couldn't possibly be over, then came continuing to love him, hoping for a change, then finally acceptance. It would be easy to look back and call it infatuation but it was love, an imperfect form, but love nonetheless. It shocks me now, thinking about the sacrifices I would have made for him, the ones I did make...well it's done now. I fell.. I was hurt. But that is always the risk taken.

And then there came him..hmm I've never met anyone like him before. He stretches me, my thinking, my ideas on faith and God and love. I love him. Completely. He is honest and open and hopeful. If I fell, like really fell for him, and he me it could be mmm wonderful. The problem, though, is the falling itself. You have to be ready for it, ready to let go. The rapidness, the freedom, but also the lack of control.

I've always been a risk taker, a romantic and a believer in love. Two nights ago I could feel the falling, the raw emotion, the endless giving of myself begin. Last night I told him. I already knew his answers to my questions but I needed to hear them in his voice to make it real. I shared my feelings, he was surprised, flattered even, admitted his feelings for me but then...the but. The one I knew was always there, just didn't want to recognize. His heart. His hardened heart is not open to love. Not anymore. Not right now. I knew. I had hoped though. I always hope because that's what love does, it believes, hopes, perseveres. It never fails.

I was ready to jump off that cliff into the free fall of love. Feet hanging off the edge, arms outstretched, chin up, eyes closed....

But the possibility cannot be my probability even though I hoped it would be.

Everything in me wants to make that phone call. I know he'll answer, we'll laugh and talk about the craziness of the day. But after hanging up, nothing will have changed. He still won't be ready and I will be closer than ever to the edge, teetering. So I won't make the call. I choose to step back from the edge. I choose to step back to safety. Maybe one day he'll be ready but maybe not. That's ok. It has to be.

Love.
The problem.
The answer.
The Anguish.